The first mistake

The the first major cross roads I ever faced and the worst choice was to live.
I was suicidal when I was 9. I made a choice. It was continue and go crazy or die and who knows. I was a very religious 9 year old and not just because my mother talked to God and I thought the chain reference Bible was cool. I saw the religion in moving moments of music, in natures beauty as well as in the stillness of a chapel. Perhaps that influenced my decision. Perhaps it was just primal to resist the unknown. I chose to endure and pay later, only what does a 9 year old know about rates of returns. Things would have just ended then if I hadn't been so defiant. Instead I'm paying now. Kind of paying for my sins, but what sin did I commit that I must be so harshly punished for now; pride, defiance, bad choices? Choosing to stand against the hate, trading hate for striking blows, trading visible scars for invisible ones. I would have given anything to have the blows back in place of the vocal violence, bruises fade faster.

I'd be crying now - I feel like crying. I physically feel like crying, but, there it stops. I can't cry. I'd like to cry perhaps but I don't really know. I'd like to walk out of this place, walk out of my life, walk away from my mind, but I can't. Christ, everyone knows you can't. You're tied to this miserable life by an invisible chain. My chain is tangled and confused. It's tangled with other chains, not linked to any just tangled, a temporary set up. I'm expendable just like all the others